CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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