Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Come see our sink grown plant.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
