I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
