just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
