just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
