I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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