wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
