I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize
