how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
