Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
