I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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