So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
