Apparently you make a good broom.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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