I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
