If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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