Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
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I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
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Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people