I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.