The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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