to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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