R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
