i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
