Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
