I swear she didn't look like that last week.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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