we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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