Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
