May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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