woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
