I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I think my vagina is haunted
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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