Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
