I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
