I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Screwed.edu
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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