Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
