***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You smell like stripper and shame
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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