Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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