what day is it and did you see me today?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
