my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
