Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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