I wish I could teleport
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
