Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
