my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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