i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
