thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
