My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
