Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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