you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
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it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
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He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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