Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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