I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
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Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
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Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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