update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm just crazy horny about you
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
