Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
