i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
