We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
