Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
