Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
