i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
