I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
