I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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