At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
