saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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